Clover is a very small town but has quite a bit of land reach. I went to school here with other kids who lived 15 miles away from me, and there were fields galore. Fields, who knew a field would be the stage for every 16-year-old within a 20-mile radius to completely fuck up a Saturday night.
Football. The entire town was obsessed with Friday night high school football. Think that Varsity Blues movie. Our Clover Eagles were everything in this town, and so of course, to be a cheerleader of the Eagles was the biggest deal for any young girl, including me. Once I made the cheerleading team, I was instantly liked by everyone at school. My friend circles included everyone from the jocks to the flamers and nerds, because I was never one to bully anyone for any reason. Plus, I cared a lot of what people thought of me (another false insight that would corrupt my life for 25 years or more).
Beer, it was all about beer, all the time. Beer was the way of life for the coaches, the parents, the old farts sitting at the bodegas in their lawn chairs, the boosters, the town drunks (obviously), the small-town business owners, and worst of all – the teenagers like me – who just wanted to fit into this beer-loving lifestyle.
I’m currently sitting in Kaiserslautern, Germany, at a café while I write this. I have been on this little vacation for a couple days now, and to my own beer-loving surprise even, I have not had a single alcohol-infused beer. I have, however, enjoyed a couple of non-alcoholic beers. Germany is the internet of great beer, so I am a little bummed that I just started this sober journey about a month ago, not knowing I would end up here so soon after making the choice not to drink anymore. But honestly, I imagine these NA beers are just as tasty as the regular ones. Bonus? I remember everything. All the details from every minute of the trip are clear and vivid, so if I forget anything, it’s because I am getting old. Not because I binge drank ten beers without eating, hopping from one cool place to another, only to have everything be a blur and have to literally take notes on my phone of every experience. (Yes, I have done that on prior vacations).
A cup of coffee and my laptop on this chilly October day is literally better than any time I have traveled abroad and sat on a patio alone, staring off into the historical views of churches or cathedrals, while getting tipsy on beers. I know, it sounds so cliché and believe me, if I would have read this myself a year ago, my first thought would be exactly what your thought right now is… a beer on a German holiday vacation sounds amazing, why would you not be indulging? It’s just a beer, you’re on vacation, who cares?
First of all, I am about to ruin something for you while at the same time changing your life entirely… non-alcoholic drinks are still drinks. Once more, something to get into your little alcohol-infused brain:
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS ARE STILL DRINKS.
Think you can’t get that “same” feeling with NA drinks? You will be surprised. There is a plethora of NA beers, wines, and liquors available these days. Whatever you fancy with alcohol in it, order the version that has no alcohol, and you will not even be able to tell. Trust me. Especially early on in sobriety, these can be game changing (as long as you aren’t triggered too much). It sounds like I am ruining it for you, I know. I was that girl myself not long ago that thought, ewww, NA beer (or whichever NA DOC) just isn’t the same. I started my days with coffee, maybe some water, then straight to beer… almost every single day. And of course, one beer was never enough. A night of eight to 10 cans of beer was becoming normal, and sadly, I remember a lot of those nights (not even sure how that is possible after drinking so much). My body was getting way too used to that amount of intoxicating alcohol, and I recognized one Sunday morning that I was just fucking done.
I once read the Matthew Perry memoir, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing… and I remember thinking how much blame he placed his alcohol and drug addiction problems on everyone and everything around him. I absolutely adore Matty, always have and always will, but I felt so disappointed and discouraged by his tales without any true accountability for his choices.
Choices, plural. After each and every relapse treatment, he chose to go back to drugs and/or alcohol. I think it was like, 13 or 16 times or something. Over 50 million dollars on rehabs and treatments, a monetary amount very few people in this world will ever attain.
I believe in addiction, and I believe in diseases. I’m not sure how I feel about alcoholism being a disease, at least not for everyone. If I were diagnosed with liver cancer due to my drinking, and I see top notch caregivers and doctors who heal me from that disease, I no longer have the disease. I’m healed. I’m cancer free. But if I choose to drink again, and the disease returns, I made that choice. I made the choice to pick up the drink again, after being healed from the
Everyone has a different timeline for the triggers, the pink cloud, the cravings, temptations, boredom, sugar monster attacks, etc. Accountability is one thing that I want to discuss, because it is another big topic of recovery and just like timing and triggers, it’s different for everyone. A lot of quit lit books talk about this as if the majority of “problem drinkers” or “alcoholics” have been down the same path – making huge obnoxious mistakes that are considered “rock bottom”. But what about those of us who haven’t?
I, for one, have never made a fool of myself at a work function. I’ve never received a drunk driving offense. I have not lived on the streets due to my financial obligations to alcohol. I haven’t hurt anyone physically or emotionally while intoxicated. The list goes on, people do all kinds of different incriminating, embarrassing or dangerous things while drunk or high on drugs. Perhaps you have some minor offenses, but nothing major, so how do you work on taking responsibility for such actions when you never hurt anyone or caused harm?
Well, I will tell you that the most important person in your life is you. You can’t live without you (sounds so silly and obvious, but you have to let that sink in for a moment). We listen to music all the time about loving others, and how we can’t live without other people, or we’re broken without someone we love. Blah blah blah. Love is great and all, but you cannot live without your own breath and life. You can’t love without life. So start with that focus on loving yourself enough to live for loving others. That’s the first step in accountability, realizing that you (yes, you) are the first (and most important) person you are hurting when you drink.
I know you might be thinking about other people in your life that you are hurting when you drink, and maybe that is why you are reading this. Did your partner give you an ultimatum? Or maybe your parents, siblings or children are seeing you suffer every day and wish you would stop? Are you disappointing people you love and want to stop for them?
If so, you can keep reading, but it won’t help, not until you are ready to quit for yourself. You have to do this FOR YOU first and foremost. Selfish? Sounds like it, yep. Is it? Fuck no. It’s self-love and self-care that no one can provide for you except you.
